Wife Simulator

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Every vital item that demands skillful handling has a simulator. Expensive aircraft like a passenger plane, which carries a large number of passengers who sue for damages in case of any accident, has simulators. The pilots, despite their commercial licences, vast experience in different types of aircraft, and number of flying hours they logged in go through a detailed course of a simulator before they fly the plane.

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The simulator provides all types of situations and emergencies ranging from minor air turbulence to total engine failure. The pilot learns to handle all possible contingencies correctly. At the end of the training, he qualifies and gets a certificate of competency provided he shows satisfactory reflexes, responses and prescribed reaction time. The Air Force Pilots train, in addition, to attack, counterattack and dodge the enemy aircraft and missiles.

Similarly, ships' officers, who carry out watch keeping to the Master in command, also go through a simulator to handle all emergencies and learn various aspects of ship handling. Even the officers of navies, who take immense pride in handling any warship under any circumstances, train on a simulator. Today, simulators have become standard equipment whenever a ship or aircraft is designed and built. The stakes have become extremely high, and the ships with their cargo or missile systems cost a fortune; even a minor error of judgement is likely to cost in millions.

The simulator for a spacecraft is even more complicated as it trains the astronauts in conditions ranging from negative gravity to many Gs. The Astronauts go through even potty training as the living conditions on board a space craft are altogether different.

In short, all professionals including Doctors, lawyers, accountants and even hairdressers have licences or certificates of competency which they proudly display. The only people who perform their functions without such certificates are the politicians and husbands. Since politicians are a law unto themselves, this piece is about the husbands.

The same personnel trained to almost perfection to handle complicated and expensive leviathans come a cropper while handling their own wives. This failing on the domestic front is not confined to only those trained on simulators and unfortunately, had spread among all males of different vocations. Many a marriage is ending in divorce, and the interpersonal relationship between the husband and wife is getting increasingly strained in most cases. Gone are the days when the couples married and lived happily thereafter.

The women are getting more and more articulate and strident to the point of making a BILL OF RIGHTS of wives.

It would be naïve to dismiss such demands of the wives as insignificant. In the changed situation of today, marriages are for keeps as divorces, apart from being messy, are frightfully expensive and shatter the lives of the offspring. The threat of the dreadful AIDS is keeping the man confined to a single partner. Changing partners frequently and multiple marriages are passé.

The need of the hour is to preserve the marriage at any cost, weather many a storm and handle all types of situations with consummate aplomb and finesse. Unfortunately, not all men are endowed with such skills and hence the need for some special training to all husbands.

There can be no better training than a wife simulator which will provide the numerous responses of the wife in all varying situations at different places. If a man is trained, in practical intelligence, to press the correct switches at the right time, to give the right response, to utter the right words at the right time and to handle the wife deftly, he stands a much better chance of navigating his way through the bumpy roads of marital life. He may even live long in marital bliss.

Some countries, extrapolating the matter, now insist on submission of blood reports before marriage. Even in India where AIDS is rampant, a blood test showing HIV negative is being made mandatory before marriage. The bride's party should not be faulted if they ask the groom to produce a competency certificate issued after training at the wife simulator.

Designing a wife simulator is no easy task, for women, unlike ships and aircraft, come in numerous sizes, shapes, hues, attitudes and dispositions. They are more complex than the machines. However, the techies, who design fly by wire aircraft and other complex machines, can surely measure up to the task taking the help of computer techies. India with a large number of women of caste, creed, cultural, and linguistic diversity can provide a broad database.

This proposal to create a wife simulator may sound as science-fiction today but is bound to be a reality soon as it is getting more and more difficult to be a man and a husband, nowadays.

Soon, husbands also may ask their brides to be for a similar certificate of competency issued by the husband simulator before they say "I do."

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